Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Ten Legitimate Reasons to be Coulrophobic

People with no clue whatsoever appear to be mystified by the rapid increase of coulrophobia in Western countries. Where a generation or two ago, kids would (allegedly) flock to circuses and Christmas parades to laugh at the funny clowns, today children are more likely to run sreaming in terror. It seems to me that the real reason behind this change is as obvious as the bright red nose-ball on your face: people are more afraid of clowns today than they were in the past because people have finally come to their senses. Clowns are creepy and terrifying and have nothing whatsoever to do with humour. The ony possible reason I could find myself laughing at a clown is if I'm smiling while slowly... inching... away...

"Coulrophobia" in any case is a misnomer. A phobia is defined as an irrational fear of a specific thing. There's nothing irrational about coulrophobia, though. Being afraid of clowns is just common sense. Here are ten reasons why...

1.CHILD CLOWNS: Children are not just tiny humans. They are, in fact, concentrated humans, and nowhere is that more evident than in the spectacle of a child face-painted into a clown. All of the horror at half the size, children clowns are way creepier than their adult mentors.Child Clown)

2.CAN'T SLEEP; CLOWN WILL EAT ME: Bart Simpson understands coulrophobia. He might worship Krusty the Klown, but the bed that Homer builds him is so very creepy that it causes him to go foetal with terror. Clowns are evil, have twisted laughs, and eat children in their sleep. Once again, The Simpsons speak the truth.Can't Sleep; Clown Will Eat Me

3.CLOWNS IN HOSPITALS: A 2008 University of Sheffield study gained a fair amount of publicity for telling the world what it already should have known: children are creeped out by clowns. The study found an almost universal dislike for clowns among recuperating children, who find their aggressive and unchanging cheerfulness 'frightening and unknowable'.Robin Williams as Patch Adams

4.RONALD McDONALD: Make no doubt about it: Ronald McDonald is one creepy dude. I would bet that a significant proportion of the astonishing rise in coulrophobia in recent years has, in fact, to do with Ronald McDonald. In my personal case, the sheer horror I felt when I was a mere toddler at the threat of being put on that sick freak's lap for the purposes of a photo shoot still haunts me today. Now, in recent years Burger King has taken up the 'creepy fast food mascot' gauntlet and gone running with it, by bringing their king logo to terrifying life, Frankenstein-style. I give even odds that within a generation, regiphobia will also have reached epidemic proportions.Ronald McDonald, the Creep

5.SAD CLOWNS: If you have any doubt that clown-horror is something that originates entirely in the mind of the observer, and that the global cabal of Clowns Inc. sit around confusedly asking ourselves, "why don't people find us funny and amiable anymore?", consider the Sad Clown. This particular beast, who actively flaunts its unpleasantness, is proof that the Worldwide Association of Clowns is determined to make clowns symbolise every unpleasant emotional response that exists.Sad Clown, Still Evil

6.INSANE CLOWN POSSE: The Insane Clown Posse are less 'creepy' than merely 'ridiculous', a white hip-hop act whose prolific career revolves around a kind of 'evil clown' schtick and features a rabid cult following improbably titled 'juggalos'. The duo call themselves 'Violent J' and 'Shaggy 2 Dope', and their parade of dime-stor horrorshow cliché would be completely unworthy of mention were it not for the single thing that makes them truly creepy: Violent J says of his fans, "You have to interest them, gain their trust, talk to them and show you're one of them. You're a person from the street and speak of your experiences. Then at the end you can tell them God has helped me out like this and it might transfer over instead of just come straight out and just speak straight out of religion." Shaggy 2 Dope adds, "In my definition, it doesn’t matter what creed, religion, or group you belong to. If you’re doing what’s right and are a good person, then you're right with God." Creepy.Insane Clown Posse, God's Pierrots

7.TIM CURRY: I've never read Stephen King's "It", though I know that even the softcover version is a suitable replacement for the phone book in helping young children sit at the dinner table. When it comes to the movie, all of King's literary horror techniques pale next to the sheer terror of casting Tim Curry in the role of Pennywise. Coulrophobia has a face, and it's Tim Curry's. In "A Clockwork Orange", they could easily have held open Malcolm McDowell's eyes and merely showed him this picture.Tim Curry as Pennywise in Stephen King's 'It'

8.CLOWN PORN: This just had to exist, didn't it? There's probably not a single subject out there that hasn't been turned into pornography, but I can't see how this particular, er, sub-genre can be anything but the wettest of blankets. In addition to horrifying and psychopathic, should we now add sexually deviant to the list of clown-like characteristics?Clown Horror

9.JOHN WAYNE GACY: Far more terrifying than the creepiest horrorshow depictions in book and film is the knowledge that evil clowns, sadists who use a clown costume to lure children into their depraved worlds of rape and muder, really do exist. Using a clown persona, John Wayne Gacy murdered 33 boys, sexually abusing many and burying most inside his house. The picture of him here, in costume as 'Pogo' is especially creepy only because we know what lies behind that smile. But taken out of context, this picture looks exactly like a million other clowns.Pogo the Clown

10.TIRIRICA: In October, 2010, a clown was elected in Brazil to the position of Federal Deputy by a resounding majority. Tiririca, whose name means 'Grumpy', vowed if elected to learn 'what it is a Federal Deputy does' and used a well-financed campaign to coast to an easy victory. Certainly there is some post-modern irony here, as he certainly collected votes from a disgruntled public who views all politicians more-or-less as clowns (his slogan was 'It can't get any worse'), but make no mistake: this is the first step. Clowns are taking over the world...Tiririca the Brazilian Clown Politician